Just no!
by Musicgirl xxx
Summary: The Avengers were a world class team of superheroes but when they were at home they were a bunch of five year olds. Someone decided they needed to learn some rules. That is how the Rules of Avengers Tower came to be. They were always a little too late to prevent the initial disaster from occurring though!
1. Rules 1-5

Whatever the sheets of paper were attached to the wall with they weren't coming off any time soon, even with Tony's chemicals and knowledge. He had been banned from trying anything else when he suggested blowing up the wall as a way to remove them, however, and so they remained. Whoever had put them there had had the forethought to place several pieces of paper, obviously anticipating the sheer number of rules that would be needed to deal with the ragtag team of heroes, and they had been right. The first rule was already written on there and was obviously what had prompted the new list.

 **1\. Whenever Tony says he is just about to test something, run for the hills. The last time anyone was around for it, it blew Thor and Steve's eyebrows off. Literally.**

No one actually knew what Tony had been trying to make or what he was testing in the first place but they did know that the results had been explosive and mentally scarring for Steve and Thor who had just happened to be passing by the billionaire's lab when said incident happened. Tony, at least, had had the forethought to get behind something protective and had been relatively unharmed and had immediately gotten back to work. Thor and Steve had retreated at an alarming rate and winced every time they heard an explosion for the rest of the day.

 **Addition to Rule 1. This especially applies when he hasn't slept in 24 hours or more. A sleep deprived maniac genius is a dangerous one.**

Sleep deprived and caffeine fuelled Tony Stark was indeed very dangerous to the surroundings and people in the vicinity. Coulson's tie, or what was left of it, would attest to that fact. The agent had just raised an eyebrow and taken another sip from the coffee mug he was carrying before walking off with impressive control. That had been his favourite tie. Stark's comment of "It actually looks better now" was greatly unappreciated and Coulson began planning his revenge. What was wrong with a Captain America tie anyway, even if it did make said man blush profusely every time he saw it.

 **Addition 2 to Rule 2. And don't let him work drunk!**

Not even the vents were safe as Clint found out when he fell from the ceiling, still in the vent, into Tony's lab. It was a bit like an extreme theme park ride but Clint had no intentions of ever repeating that experience. The billionaire had somehow managed to make the ceiling implode, how though was anyone's guess. It probably had something to do with the rather strange looking weapon that he thrust at Clint with a drunken smile on his face as Clint crawled gingerly out of the wreckage. He would have though Stark would have made the ceilings stronger than that, he thought, as he tried ignored the billionaire's enthusiastic rambling. It took Steve and Natasha to hold Clint back and also stop him using the weapon on the billionaire when he realised how drunk the man was and how close he had come to hitting him with that god forsaken weapon of his. Poor Bruce was left to convince Tony to leave before he was maimed or worse by the fuming archer.

 **2\. I am not fat, Tony!**

Bruce had dragged the engineer to his room and locked him in there until he had sobered up. From the security camera footage, it appeared that he had tried to make a bid for freedom in his drunken stupor. Unfortunately for him, he lacked the practice the assassins had had at traversing the vents and fell straight back down the moment he attempted to get in. The chair wobbled under his feet and he went flying, landing under the vent on his bottom, staring up at it miserably. He then proceeded to have a one sided argument with it about throwing him out before he passed out on the floor. Bruce was so saving all that, for blackmail purposes after he got lumbered with dragging him back to his room.

When he finally sobered up, the billionaire decided to blame the wreckage and the ceiling falling in on the fact that Clint was too heavy for the vents. He really shouldn't have said that when Clint had darts in his hand, though, as Hawkeye never misses a shot and Tony found himself unable sit down properly for days.

 **3\. For the love of all that is good and holy, never mention the magic but decidedly deadly boomerang incident ever again. It only reopens lingering mental scars.**

 **Addition to Rule 3. Boomerangs are never to be experimented on again.**

Tony had been inventing again and the result had been an innocuous looking set of boomerangs which he had taken to the training room to show the others and test out. They hadn't understood or cared about much of his explanation and self-important speech but they had been impressed with the concept. That was, until Tony decided to give them the demonstration there and then.

Most of them figured that Tony must have been drunk or insane when he started out making them as the outer shell of the boomerang peeled away to reveal a wicked and glinting set of knives that sliced efficiently through the training dummies with ease. The problem came when the boomerangs came back. See, Tony clearly hadn't thought too hard about the actual catching bit as the knives were still exposed and looking for all the world like they were going to maim or kill the billionaire and as many of the other Avengers as they could in the process. It was then that supposed genius informed them that he had also put in homing technology so they would come back to the thrower.

He then realised what that truly meant and hid behind Steve who hit the deck at an alarming and rather impressive rate causing all the other Avengers to follow suit. That didn't fool the weapons for long so the Avengers set off running. It was quite the sight to see all of the Avengers running away as fast as they could whilst being chased by Stark's magical mystery boomerangs as they had been named by said man but, for the Stark Industries employees, it was just another day at work. They were convinced that they were safe when the boomerangs embedded in the wall and Tony stuck his head around to see them there.

It was during his observation and comment of "Huh! It actually worked!" in which the assassins had to seriously tamper down their urge to kill the man themselves that the boomerangs became to move slightly and then flew out of the wall. Steve pulled the billionaire to the floor but not before the knives sliced off the top of his spiked up hair. The assassins ended the problem by emptying their ammunition into the knives causing the technology to fail. Tony wasn't sure whether to be more upset about the ultimate destruction of his technology or his now shorter hair as he clutched at the strands on the floor in sadness. The others just rolled their eyes and left him there.

 **4\. Please remember that Steve is from the 1940s and so doesn't understand a lot of modern reference. Teasing him about it only makes him more upset about what he has lost and it's like kicking a sad puppy. Just don't.**

Steve had the most incredible set of puppy dog eyes that any of the Avengers had ever seen before. They could make the most hardened criminal feel guilty for their sins and send them crying to their mother. Unfortunately, Tony seemed willing to risk the sad kicked puppy look and constantly teased and goaded the poor Captain about all that he had missed. He ran away before the puppy dog face could come out but still felt guilty. He was also terrified as Natasha had promised to torture him like he had never been tortured before for making her have to deal with the sad puppy face.

Turns out, it even got to the Black Widow and Natasha had ended up educating Steve to try and cheer him up. Secretly though, she still thought he looked like a golden retriever puppy even when he wasn't sad, all wide blue eyes and bouncy, but no one was ever going to find out that the Black Widow thought like that. And if she had to spend more time with Steve to stop him looking sad, well, it was no skin off of her back!

 **5\. Never ever, under any circumstances, touch Thor's hair.**

Clint was the walking, or hobbling, proof to attest to that rule. He had heard Tony boasting about being the best pranker and, being the best pranker at S.H.I.E.L.D, he set out to prove him wrong. He was going to cut and dye Thor's hair all whilst he was sleeping. It had all gone to plan initially with the long blonde locks falling onto the pillow consistently to the soft sound of snip snip snip. Clint managed to cut it all short as the thunder god was sleeping face first into his pillow leaving his beloved hair exposed to the archer.

Clint collected up all of the cut blonde locks, which was a big job on its own as Thor had had very long hair before Clint had started, and then left the dye in his shampoo. Unfortunately for him, he tripped on his way back over Mjolnir and woke the thunder god who reacted on instinct. He fought his unknown foe, battering and bruising Clint before he managed to escape to the vents, not before dropping all of the locks on the floor and so leaving a trail of what he had done behind. Thor had still showered before he had seen all of his precious hair cut off, or rather felt it, and ended up with short violet hair. Thor knew it had been Clint because of the state of him after the unexpected battle and Clint took to hiding in the vents again until Thor's hair grew back.

Thor's hair was rather uneven from its impromptu cut, Clint never claimed to be a hairdresser, and he ended up having to have it evened up by Natasha and Pepper. With not much choice due to the already short length, they ended up having to give him a buzz cut on the sides with it slightly longer on the top. When he finally calmed down, Thor decided that he quite liked it that length and so kept it like that but he definitely didn't like the violet colour and so had it dyed back to blonde. Clint was still twitchy around Thor for months to come though, and Tony had gotten many laughs out of it until he had been reminded of his crying when his hair had been cut by the boomerangs which made him shut up very quickly.

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 _So since my Leverage story of rules got such a good response I thought I would give an Avengers one a go. Hope you liked it. I always like to know the story behind the rules when I read a fanfiction like that so that's why I give an explanation with all my rules. Some explanations might not be as in depth as others and they might not all be as long as this._

 _If you have any suggestions then put them in a review or PM me and I will try and write more as soon as I get time. Unbeta's so sorry for the mistakes._


	2. Rules 6-10

**6\. Do not ever under any circumstances (unless it is an emergency) wake Natasha if you value your life...**

Why Bruce had decided he needed to wake Natasha at that very moment to treat her injuries, they weren't any more life threatening than ones she had left before but Bruce didn't know that. The knife missed him by an inch, the punches didn't. The hulk out was inevitable after that no matter how hard Bruce tried. He made it one floor down, on his way to his containment chamber, before he gave into it. The structural damage had Tony in tears, or that could have been due to the destruction of his bar and so also his extensive alcohol collection. Natasha missed the resulting battle to contain the Hulk, she had promptly fallen back asleep again and slept straight through it.

 **Addition to Rule 6. Running out of alcohol is NOT an emergency Tony!**

Tony would heal eventually, well physically anyway, the mental scars left from Natasha may never fade. Natasha hadn't been back asleep long before she was rudely woken again by the weeping billionaire, she couldn't really blamed for her actions, who could be when awoken by that. This time the knife did not miss, a testament to Natasha's self-preservation not actually hitting Bruce and to her aim, he should be lucky she didn't aim to actually hurt him, well beyond a surface wound anyway. Pepper wouldn't be happy if she did anyway. Natasha didn't stay awake long enough to see if he left but if he got any blood on her carpets there would be hell to pay.

 **7\. Natasha you can't make people clean up their own blood if you made them bleed!**

Most people would think this had been from Tony bleeding on her floor however he had had the common sense, or more like Pepper had, to just have the carpets replaced before the billionaire could come to any more harm at the hands of the Russian spy. No this particular rule came from an unwelcome visitor in the tower. The boys were all out for one thing or another leaving Natasha in her room, the only Avenger left. No one knew how the HYDRA soldier had managed to get in without tripping any alarms and reach Natasha's floor but needless to say he didn't get much further. The other Avengers rushed back after hearing of the intruder from JARVIS eventually to find Natasha sat primly on her sofa, legs tucked underneath her and not a scratch on her, and the HYDRA agent gagged on the floor with a peculiar collar around his neck, scrubbing blood from the carpet and the walls under Natasha's careful supervision. Five jaws simultaneously dropped. Their arrival seemed to have distracted the enemy agent who looked at them pleadingly. They were pretty sure if he could talk currently he would ask to be taken away from the crazy lady. Natasha wasn't so happy with his distracted attention and picked up a small remote from next to her that had previously gone unnoticed and pressed a button on it. The agent jerked slightly as the collar, an animal training collar they now realised, and immediately got back to his task. Natasha initially refused to let him leave until it was all clean until Steve brought out his captain voice and promised to help her clean it up later and she caved. Why did he have to look like a puppy all the time?! The Black Widow shouldn't give in that easily! They later found out that the agent broke and spilled all his secrets the moment he was interrogated as long as they promised to keep the crazy Russian lady away from him. Apparently Natasha left a lasting impression on everyone she met...

 **8\. Monopoly is banned from ever being played by the Avengers again. EVER.**

This one was written in Pepper's neat script and needed no explanation after the previous night. Tony cheated and gloated. The assassins seemed to accumulate more property than anyone thought possible without anyone noticing and seemed to have formed an alliance against the billionaire with Clint constructing a crude slingshot from a bit of paper and a rubber band and was firing projectiles at the Tony to annoy and distract him. Bruce struggled to keep his cool with the all-out Monopoly war going on around him and eventually retreated to avoid losing his temper with Tony. Poor Steve looked baffled through-out in between lecturing Tony about fair play and how cheating wasn't right which just made the (slightly drunk) billionaire laugh and target him in the game. It didn't help that everyone insisted he paly as the dog due to his puppy dog eyes which he still didn't understand. He was bankrupt in no time and sat back to watch the carnage unfold and stop any escalation of tempers. Thor got confused then angry very quickly and Mjolnir ended the game rather quickly by crashing through the board and scattering the pieces across the room, some rather mangled. Tony immediately started complaining about how he would have won and it wasn't fair but Clint shut him up with a particularly well aimed projectile straight in the open mouth of the billionaire. Tony whirled around to complain but caught a glimpse of Natasha playing with a knife and decided that he didn't care so much about the game and bid a hasty retreat rubbing his now-healed arm. Clint took Thor back to his room to calm down before he started a thunder storm and Steve was just about to say goodnight to the spy but she had vanished. He retreated to his suite only to stop just outside the door. On the floor was sat a perfectly unharmed metal dog figure from the Monopoly set. Steve knew who had left it and smiled, a puppy wasn't the worst thing to be compared to.

 **9\. I don't know who did it but replacing Director Fury's eyepatch with one with a feminine cartoon eye is NOT funny. He had a meeting with the council today!**

It seemed that Maria Hill had decided to pay a visit to the Tower to write this rule down. This one got many snorts of laughter (and looks of disapproval from Steve even if he did look amused by it) but strangely enough no one owned up to it meaning it couldn't have been Tony or Clint as they would have been claiming immediate responsibility to prove they were the better prankster. They doubted it had been Thor as the whole thing seemed to confuse him but anything was possible. The Avengers did wonder if there was someone else threatening their role as the nuisance causers of SHIELD...

 **10\. Bruce... it would be nice if you could stop stockpiling tea in the cupboard, we know you like it but it's taking up all the space and we do have a monthly order of tea so you won't run out...**

Possibly the politest rule written on the list but addressing a serious problem. Thor had only the other day, been attacked by multiple boxes of tea falling out of the cupboard after he opened the door. In fact so many fell out that he had been completely covered by them. He had been rather upset, he only wanted some poptarts and the tea seemed to have taken over their cupboard space and he couldn't find any. Poor Pepper had been the one to discover the tea covered, pouting Thunder God and subsequently go on a poptart hunt to cheer him up. All she found, however, was more cupboards filled with tea, tea bags, loose tea, different flavours of tea, it was everywhere. She promised Thor she would order some poptarts immediately but wasn't brave enough to move the tea, Bruce obviously needed it...

* * *

 **First I'd like to say thank you to everyone who read the first chapter and sorry that it has taken me so long to update! Secondly thank you to the Guest that inspired Rule 8 in a review, sorry it isn't exactly the same but I'd like to try and write about another games night somewhen :) Ideas that you'd like to see are always welcomed, I love seeing other peoples ideas! If you like it please review and let me know! Unbeta'd as usual so sorry for the mistakes!**


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